the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
