Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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