Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
