just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
