yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
