My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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