I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
