why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
