Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
