As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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