I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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