I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
