You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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