I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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