I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just forgot I was standing up.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
