did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
