Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
