Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We need a shit load of segways right now
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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