I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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