i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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