I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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