If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize