Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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