If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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