i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
