You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
