i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
