Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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