Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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