I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
