Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize