atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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