I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
