matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
