I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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