Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
