Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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