Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
