Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
