I think I won the penis lottery.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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