I can text with my tongue
i love accidental penises.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
