Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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