I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
