Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
