his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
