I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
