Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
