I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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