how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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