hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
