I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's never too late to be topless.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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