I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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