i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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