i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
