...so i touched it.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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