MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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