in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
