fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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