Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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