Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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